Being an obsessive music fan isn’t easy, nor is it glorious.
Sometimes you get labeled—Metalhead!
Sometimes you get painted into a corner—How can you like Hawkwind AND Hank Williams?
Sometimes your taste is considered uncool—Steely Dan? Really?
You may know some of the types mentioned below. You may be one yourself. The Rock File can neither confirm nor deny that any of these “types” represent actual Rock File contributors. Please feel free to add your own in the comments section, or defend your own characterization, as you see fit.
If you liked the Grateful Dead, nobody thought you were cool, except maybe that girl with the army jacket in drama class.
If you liked Judas Priest, you went around screaming “PRIEST” to noone in particular. Hardcore fans just mumbled “Judas.”
If you liked The Band, nobody knew who you were.
If you liked Led Zeppelin’s Physical Graffiti, you jammed it into your car’s cassette deck on purpose, hoping it would get stuck. And it did.
If you thought Iron Butterfly was better than Deep Purple, you were tripping on bad acid.
If you liked The Velvet Underground, you thought you were too cool for everybody else. You were probably right.
If you liked ZZ Top, you liked American beer. Cheap, American beer. In cans.
If you joined the KIZZ Army, you liked drawing furry animals getting blown up.
If you liked Van Halen, you spent hours making detailed models, only to light them on fire in your garage.
If you liked solo Ozzy, but not Black Sabbath, you were drinking cheap vodka. You were also just wrong.
If you were into Frank Zappa, you were also into the girls lacrosse team.
If you came out as a Steely Dan fan, you risked losing friends.
If you thought Warren Zevon was hip, you were born in the wrong decade.
If you liked Iron Maiden, you drove a 280z from New York to Florida in February, straight through, without heat, in like 10 hours.
If you liked The Doobie Brothers, your favorite sandwich was American cheese on white bread with lots of mayo.
If you liked Styx, you were from Buffalo.
If you liked Molly Hatchet, you drove your beater into that moat that surrounded the Hollywood Sportatorium in Hollywood, Florida. Twice.
If you liked Circle Jerks, you risked getting arrested.
If you liked Lynyrd Skynyrd, you played air guitar with a tennis racket.
If you liked Melvins, you were moving backwards through space and time and somehow arriving in the future.
If you liked Metallica, you made clay sculptures of naked girls in high school art class.
If you like Sepultura, you were most likely fucking bat-shit crazy.
If you didn’t like Styx, you were from Jacksonville.
If you liked Slayer, you were just a fucking bad-ass. Period.
If you liked Emerson, Lake & Palmer, you spent hours copying Emerson, Lake & Palmer album covers.
If you liked Peter Gabriel era Genesis, you drew trippy psychedelic landscapes within other trippy psychedelic landscapes.
If you liked Phil Collins era Genesis, you were watching too much Miami Vice.
If you liked Rush, you were in a Rush cover band. They may have been called Power Windows.
If you liked Yes, you tie-dyed your jeans in your bathtub.
If you liked Camper Van Beethoven, you were high. You also played Hacky Sack, most likely high.
If you liked King Crimson, you were from the future.
If you thought Pearl Jam was better than Nirvana, you had too many beers. And you were also wrong. Very wrong.
If you were into Mudhoney, you were ahead of your time.
If you liked Dwight Yoakam, you liked that whole Americana scene before it became cool, or annoying.
If you dragged your friends to a Phish concert, you were most likely going home alone. And possibly drugged.
If you went with friends to a Red Hot Chili Peppers show in a college gymnasium somewhere in New England, somebody was going home with a broken nose, and not realizing it until after they got home. Maybe because everybody was tripping on mushrooms.
If you were into TAD, you liked everything louder than everything else.
If you liked Jane’s Addiction, River’s Edge was your favorite movie.
If you liked…